Where’s the manual?
I must’ve missed the manual for aging. I did not know that I’d reach a certain age and just start falling apart. This may sound like a whine, but I assure you it’s more of a catalog of malfunctioning parts. It amazes me how many times lately that I’ve Google’d my ailments and seen passages like “most commonly affects women over the age of 40″. Well geez, I just turned 40 a month ago… did my warranty expire?
I had made a determined decision to fight off all things that would make me feel old. Did you see my post about my new “Hip” hip-hugging jeans? But Geez Louise, every time I wrap my mind around age being a state of mind, something else breaks or wears out.
So here is my list of ailments:
headaches (now being medicated for them)
Recurring seborrheic keratosis … want to know what that is? It’s spots on your skin, like age spots that OLD people get!
arthritis in my hips
High Cholesterol – imminent heart disease
Chest Pain
Chronic Kidney Stone maker
Bad disks in my back (had C5 disc replacement a few years back) and have to get epidural injections for my lower back not to hurt
Bursitis in my hip
And now the kicker? I have a painful lump in regions that I do NOT want to get checked out. Couldn’t I have a hernia in a less embarrasing place? Must it hurt to sit!? My husband had a hernia a few months back, but he was lucky enough to have it above his belly button. Not mine… no sir-ee. Mine has to be someplace where the sun don’t shine. I do NOT want some surgeon dude checking that out!
I read the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” when I was pregnant with my boys, I read “Are you there God, it’s me Margaret” when I was a teenage girl. So where is the “What to Expect as You Get Older” book? Maybe I should write it. I certainly seem to be experiencing every scheduled break down that happens. I should write for other women in their 30’s and let them know what’s going to fall off, break and appear. AND what to do with these complaints. Some you can stuff under your pillow if you chose to… others need to be taken in for maintenance. Our 30’s are blissfully unaware that just around the corner there are things like colonoscopy’s, mammograms, stress tests and peri-menopause.
Where’s the manual? Did I miss it when they were handing it out? I’d like my copy now please! Oh and by the way, please also send me the paperwork for my extended warranty. Looks like I’m going to need it!
Oh no- it doesn’t sound like fun!! This year after my birthday I felt like “things started going” almost immediately. LOL! I felt bad laughing when i Iread your hernia issue, but I can totally relate. As if the aging itself isn’t humiliating enough we then to seek medical confirmation that further cements that into our minds. Best of luck!! And remember you are only as old as you feel (although I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, LOL!!)
Oh Nancy – if you write the manual, I will buy it. My body is falling apart as well, and I’m a few years off the 40 mark. But, I think having so many kids has aged me rapidly. I hope your hernia feels better (and all your other ailments too!)
I will be falling apart soon I guess… Sorry I haven’t been around lately. I have been very busy – who’s not right?? This post just cracked me up!
Write the manual – I will edit it for you and fill in all the things you DIDN’T mention, plus I’ll do the chapter on what to expect for the 50’s. You may need to hear this – I’m early 60’s, nobody believes it – I fell apart about 45 and took that as a sign to get my s…t together – which I’ve done. Just had my physical last month and my doctor is astounded – it’s nothing more than I’m too damned stubborn to give in – I never think age, I never say words like ARTHUR (as in itis)
and I know along with a few (very few) wrinkles comes wisdom I wish I had decades ago!
suZen
When you find that manual, pass it along please!
OMG! Send me an alert when you have it. I do not want to physically fall apart? Its taking me time to get together sigh sigh…….
I read “Are you there God, it’s me Margaret”. Wasn’t it by Judy Blume? I always loved her books. I just hit 30 and I can already tell I’m getting old. Before long, my boobs will be at my knees…and it will be difficult not to trip over them!